Victoria! Victoria!

Ninety

2012-02-13T00:57:00.001+01:00

Early start today. Left the house at 9 and got back at 20.30. In between I had time for shopping, breakfast, a cupcake and hot chocolate (with marshmallows!!), did M's mum a favour, lost and found my glasses, celebrated my gran's 90th birthday and ended with a board meeting. I also managed to upset a friend so much that no amount of apology will ever make things right. Great start to a new week or maybe not. All I want right now is to sleep and wake up as the world's second most useless and destructive person. Good night.

Cold Talk

2012-02-10T21:15:00.001+01:00

It's not been all negative thoughts today. Breakfast was nice and this afternoon's walk with the dog was just what I needed. It was freezing cold but beautiful. I talked to the doggy about screwed up destructive relationships. Suddenly it dawned on me that the grass is probably not greener on the other side. The best type of enlightenment.

Adopted Trust

2012-02-10T15:50:00.002+01:00

For some, the fact that they're adopted is a huge part of their life. In my life, it's a minor detail. I'm reminded about it when I'm with my parents and we meet people we haven't met before. For a second or two I feel sorry and weird for not being the biological daughter. I'm not saying they've ever thought along those line. It's also important to point out that I'm not ungrateful nor do I think they love me less just because I'm not really theirs. As far as I'm concerned they're my parents and the best I could possibly wish for.

I don't feel sorry for myself, although I used to when I was younger. It doesn't matter why my birth parents gave me up. The fact is they did. The reason won't change anything. In doing so they broke one vital thing. My trust. I've read heaps of books about this. How important the birth mother is and how bad the consequences can be.

Despite, not thinking it's a major part of my life there are times when I feel that my emotions have got to be down to being adopted. All these times are related to trust. I have such severe trust issues that I often drive myself mad. I'm pretty certain all the moving around as a child didn't do much to make things better.

It takes ages for me to learn to trust someone. Once I do I feel completely safe which is the best feeling in the world. It's the feeling I would buy for money if I could. Then occasionally someone comes along who I, for reasons beyond me, trust immediately. It's fine but the trust is so thin that it takes virtually nothing to break it. This is when the problems start. I feel so unsafe and have no idea how to help the person help me feel safe again. With M it took years, sacrifices and a lot of commitment on my part. I'm not too sure I would ever go through that again. Not for anyone. Yet, all I want is to feel safe. Really, I think it might be what I'll spend the rest of my life hoping to achieve. A safe haven.

The Breakfast Club

2012-02-10T11:43:00.001+01:00

As far as breakfasts go it doesn't get any better than Friday breakfast with Peter. Just saying.

You Give Me Fever

2012-02-09T22:47:00.000+01:00

I could easily write another blog post about self-pity. Or about that fatal cold that men always get. Or maybe a post about how I'm being played for the first time ever in my life. I have a cold and this morning I felt fairly sorry for myself. I called M who calmly explained it is just a cold. I'll remember telling him that the next time he's got a cold.

The playing on the other is a totally different matter. I've been surrounded by players all my life. I don't get played. I've occasionally let myself been played but the way I see it you can't be played if you're conscious of it. Funny how it would take a non-player to play me. It's not as though it's a small game it's a big thing. I thought, being super naive, that there was so much at stake that it wasn't worth gambling. When I get old(er) and wise(r) I'm writing a book about men and their mind games. The funny thing with male mind games is that they're often not games at all but we women turn them into games. Men are rarely smart enough to pull them off. Once my fever goes down I'll start making some sense. Until then I'm free to talk nonsense. It's hard work always being smart. A fever is a nice break.

The Then And Now Of Pity

2012-02-08T23:27:00.001+01:00

Image: http://mikaelashannon.tumblr.com/

This might seem weird coming from me, the number one drama queen who so often loves to drown in self-pity. Here's the thing though. I don't get people who want others to feel sorry for them. I might feel sorry for myself but I would never ever want someone to take pity on me.

Feeling sorry for yourself, no matter how useless and pathetic it is, is a human right. Yes, in practice, there's always someone worse of. The thing is though, you cannot compare lives. There are different conditions, different wishes and different values. You can't go around thinking that someone is worse of because that's not the point. If you get ill you have a right to feel sorry for yourself without people saying that there are those who are worse of. Having said that. The beauty of self-pity is that you can make it stop any second.

Fair enough, this is one of those things that are easier said than done. It may or may not be your fault but you can choose or not choose to make it better. Sometimes, maybe all you need to do is lower your expectations, try a different direction, listen to your heart, get lucky, come to terms with the fact that the past belongs in the past. It took me an eternity to figure this one out. No matter how frustrating it is, you need to start with the present. Things might be better in two weeks. They may even be better than they were four weeks ago. It doesn't really matter. The starting point is still the person you are today and the conditions of today. Yes, it does occasionally mean starting from scratch. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Happy Ending

2012-02-08T00:17:00.001+01:00

What do you blog about when your too happy? I'm laying in bed watching Eastenders and doing my best not to think about the official hug I didn't get. Whatever, what does it matter? Truth be told it matters to me but only because words are everything. To some it's just a word. A hug isn't necessarily of love. Love isn't true love. Hate isn't always hate. I wonder how long this cosy and silly happiness will last. With a bit of luck it might even cure the cold which is about to break out.

Smiles

2012-02-07T00:42:00.001+01:00

It's all better now (apart from the hair). Not entirely good but better. When your love says "when I have you I don't need to look for someone else" or "we're worth fighting for" it does make you feel there's an inch of hope. I don't know if I believe the words but that a totally different matter. With a bit of luck I won't die tomorrow or even this week so there should be time to restore the trust. But seriously, men. I'll never get them. Who ever put women and men on the same planet? What were they thinking? And why do we have to learn a second language at school when we should be concentrating on learning to communicate with he other sex.

Monday.

2012-02-06T14:55:00.004+01:00

Swollen eyes (thankfully a lot better than this moring), awful hair, a slow computer and a too many thoughts. Happy Monday indeed.

The tears

2012-02-06T03:53:00.003+01:00

Yes, I'm still awake. Thinking and thinking. Listening to old house music which reminds me of the good times. All the while I'm crying my eyes out. I forgot what I'm meant to blame it all on. The big three-o. I've had enough age related crisis to last me a lifetime but I'll still use it as an excuse (like any true drama queen would). There's actually not much that terrifies me about turning thirty. Despite having a feeling I'll be single and homeless. Don't get me wrong I love M but it wouldn't be the end of the world if we broke up. It would be incredibly sad. Of course it would. Surely though, it's a good thing to feel that you're not dependent on your relationship? I think so anyways. It's taken me a long time to get that point. It took a lot of hard work and enormous amounts of the rare commodity know as trust.

Why the tears? Life is a bit overwhelming sometimes. And scary. I feel like I was born a week ago. During that time I've loved, been played, trusted, hurt, restored trust, crushed and now all I want is to crawl back to mum. I wasn't born yesterday, however, I'm not much wiser than a three year old.

Whoops. It's four in the morning. M gets up soon. I need to fall asleep before that. That normally takes a while. Skinny Love is one my nighttime playlist. Is as dramatic as I think or not so much?

Sunday Ending

2012-02-06T01:48:00.001+01:00

I could sum up this day but I'll spare you. It's not been a particularly eventful day and the few people I've talked to today haven't said anything nice enough to remember. Sadly, remembering the negative stuff is a speciality of mine. I'm surprised I can still remember someone telling me on Friday that I have beautiful eyes. I wish I was better at focusing on the good stuff but when people I love say mean things it feels like a part of me dies. People think I can take whatever criticism imaginable and I can but not from whoever. Get close enough to me and you have direct access to my heart and self confidence. So, while I was sitting here wondering what I should make of comments about what a ugly and horrible person I am the website I was working on decides to crash. Great. Just Great. Now, that if anything is enough to break me. Yes, it's tears you can see. Let's blame on PMS, the hour of the day, men, the cold or just on me being me.

2012-02-04T14:01:00.002+01:00

Have you found you way to Pinterest yet? If not, head straight over there! It's a marvelous place to save things and images you like but it's an even better place to find inspiration. If you want an account let me know and I'll invite you!

See you there!

Sex

2012-02-03T18:20:00.001+01:00

Could be good to know ahead of the weekend. I was slightly surprised about the neck. Mind you, I only just discovered how nice it is. Yes, I'm slow.

Big City

2012-02-02T22:05:00.000+01:00

Merde. F**k. Putain. Damn. I think I might be coming down with something. I feel awful. I so do not have time for this. It could very well "just" be anxiety. I have a deadline on Monday and I feel like I won't be able to meet the expectations. Or put it this way, I feel the pressure. Even if it's me putting pressure on me (the worst sort of expectations) it makes me sick these days. I'm glad I recognize the stress symptoms now. I don't get why I'm so sensitive all of a sudden. I used to love stress and pressure. I thought I still did. Next step is to figure out how to make it go away. Since I haven't come that far yet I'm curing it the only way I know how. By shopping.

Aren't these sneakers stunning?

Good morning!

2012-02-01T12:46:00.003+01:00

Contrary to what you might think I didn't just wake up even if I sort of wish that was the case. I've been up since six which is pretty early in my world. M2, or MJ as M and I call him, thought it would be nice to have breakfast at the new Post Hotel. The company was nice and the breafast was OK but definitely not a wow experience. I know I keep saying this after every single breakfast date but morning dates are seriously underrated. It's a pain when the alarm rings but once you're up it's one of the best times to hang out with friends. Yes, you might look extremely tired for the rest of the day but it's still worth it. And if you think I look tired it's nothing compared to M2.
After breakfast I went home to mum and dad. Crazy how I can just do that now! It's so weird them being here. Weird but nice. My dad rarely smiles these day even though the press yesterday twisted the story and made it out to be someone else's fault. The thing is, no one has done anything wrong. Because he's been so sad it was nice to see him smile when I told him we're going to see his favorite hockey team play on Saturday. I'm just the messenger so I can't take all the cred but it made my day.

Cold

2012-01-31T18:39:00.001+01:00

I stupidly stupidly went for a walk thinking it wasn't so cold outside. Well it was. Below zero for sure. I'll be cold for hours. Which makes me sick and tired. An hour's freezing walk in combination with non-existing blood circulation and B12 deficiency really isn't a good idea. I'll do well to remember that.

The Post Hotel

2012-01-31T12:02:00.000+01:00

Last week mum and I attended the inauguration of Göteborg's new hotel situated in the old Post Office or rather the old head quarters. It's a huge building and everyone had been talking about and waiting for the opening. If you think only a lucky few were invited to the VIP inauguration you would be wrong. We were hundreds of guest. It was hardly a VIP invitation but I'm guessing all the celebrities made it to a VIP thing. I read that the party organizers charted a train from Stockholm with one car being a fully equipped SPA. Which would explain why so many from Stockholm were there.
Anyways, the hotel. I love it! There's finally a cosy hotel lounge in this city. I have a weak spot for hotel bars especially the ones that are more like lounges. I can sit in them for hours and hours. The building is grand and stunning. The restaurant seemed a bit small in comparison to everything else in there but then again I didn't walk through the entire room. I have a breakfast date there tomorrow so I'll let you know what it's like.
I'm really look forward to hang out there once the hype has settled. And I'm grateful we've got somewhat crazy Norwegians who love this city and want to spend money on it.

The Opposites

2012-01-30T01:11:00.001+01:00

I strongly dislike this time of the year. M's family dinners happen far too frequently for my liking. Today was his dad's birthday dinner. I sat there quietly and thought that we'll never work his sister and I. She's the most obnoxious person I know. Words can't describe how much I despise her. The dinner was the complete opposite of yesterday's adventures. First hockey (love love love hockey!) and then board games with M2's parents. I swear it was the best evening since my birthday last year. I was about to write that it didn't even include alcohol but I suddenly remembered that it did. A whole bunch of Mojitos. That had nothing to do with the niceness of the evening though. Anyone who knows me knows I hate being drunk. It was just so comforting feeling like part of a family even if it only lasted a couple of hours. I love my family but ever since the press thing we've been a bit dysfunctional and the children have been the grown ups.If ever I'm single again I'm picking my next partner based on his parents and family.

Happy!

2012-01-25T22:07:00.001+01:00

I'm having such a happy day today. Don't know if it's because I'm overly tired, because I didn't have to unpack boxes today, because I almost got to go shopping, because I got a lovely call this morning, because I've sorted out all my Valentine's gifts or because I've stolen a bracelet which smells of my favorite scent. In which ever case, I'm happy I'm happy. M2 almost made me unhappy a few times today but then I thought, sod it, I deserve to be happy and nothing or no one should ruin that. M seriously pissed me off when he woke me up at his office (after working hours) although I think I'm glad he did. Would have been a bit awkward if his boss woke me up tomorrow morning. I'm super tired though and still have websites (yes, plural) to make. Good times. Good night.

Front Row

2012-01-24T22:58:00.002+01:00

I spent the day helping mum unpack more boxes. This is probably what I'll be doing for the next few days if not weeks. Mum keeps moaning that she is never ever moving again. According to dad she always says that when we move back to Sweden.
Having worked hard the entire day I later met up with M2 and went from confused to happier. I don't trust him but don't know why or how I can take that fairly vital step towards trusting him. Friendships without trust are not really worth the effort. We tried the hotel bar at Hotell 11 which was a bit of a disappointment. There's a new hotel opening this week and I'm really looking forward to trying out their bar which I'm hoping is more of a lounge.

On the topic of happiness I just have to show you my front row filled with my favorite things. There's the robot M made when he was much much younger and my Hello Kitty Pezs that he bought for me on our way back from Belgium. Next to them are special binoculars (the type pirates have) from a memorable evening spent with the best company. At the far end is a present from myself to myself.

Chaos

2012-01-24T00:14:00.001+01:00

Spent the entire day helping mum and dad packing up together with two really cute guys from relocation firm. A fairly large house is being crammed into a much smaller apartment. My patents seemed to think it would all fit but obviously it doesn't. Everything is possible but it won't leave much floor space. I feel like I have too much to sort out and feel incredibly lonely. Like I'm three years old and just want someone to help me. Got all my Valentine cards today which made me very happy. So will get them sorted out tomorrow. Last year we wrote quite a few but never got around to sending them. Not happening this year.

The Love

2012-01-20T11:52:00.002+01:00

2011 was the year when I somewhere down the line lost myself and 2012 is the year when I'm back to being me. I can't think of a better way to start the year than to feel so in love with M. I know, I do complain a lot. Only because, sadly, it's never as fun to tell the good stuff. Last year, showed me the tough way that we're better off focusing on the positives. So, if you've ever wondered why I love him. Here are ten reasons why:

He gives the best kind of hugs.
He understands me and can reason with me even when I'm in my worst mood.
He cooks me dinner every day and always makes me breakfast on Saturdays and Sundays.
He gets along with my family (maybe a bit too much).
He fools around with me during the weekend mornings. (Dear neighbors, don't worry it's not domestic violence).
He always helps me out.
He's my very opposite in most ways.
He tucks me in where ever I fall asleep. (He thinks I don't notice but I do).
He likes my friends.
He kisses me goodbye every single morning. (During these five years I can count four mornings where I've been too upset to get or he's been too mad to give a kiss goodbye). When we're away from each other he always sends a good morning and good bye kiss via SMS.

Vikis and Eros

2012-01-19T14:06:00.001+01:00

I'm visiting Viktor and the doggy and making up for being the worst friend ever during last year. When mum asked if M2 was the new Viktor I realised I had shape up as a friend.

The Ride

2012-01-17T00:08:00.001+01:00

Just wanted to let you know that we got home OK. I got a migraine just before Denmark so M did most of driving while I slept. Spent most of today making the living room accessible. It's full of beer and Perrier water. Well, we had to stock up since we don't know when well go back. Or even if.

My last night at home in Waterloo

2012-01-15T00:05:00.002+01:00

I knew from the day we arrived that we wouldn't stay forever. We were only meant to stay four year - just like most other expats. Four years turned into ten and ten turned into seventeen. This has become my home. It's my comfort zone. It also the last home I shared with my parents. It's incredibly sad moving. Obviously. Lucky, I've been so busing help mum and dad out and packing my room into boxes that it hasn't hit me yet. It's coming though. The tears aren't far away but I keep thinking that Brussels won't disappear. Although, that's a relief the city will never mean the same to me. The most scary thing of all is that right now I don't have a safe haven. I also know for a fact that I won't see my friends and often as I have. It's a two way thing so it's not just my fault. Most of us have done this so many times before that we know what happens. You never forget but things change.

Once I'm home I'll sit down and think of the highs and low of these seventeen years. Now, sleep. Tomorrow M and I drive back to Sweden. More importantly, I've promised to not be too tired.

Good night.

Good morning!

2012-01-13T10:22:00.001+01:00

Wohoo! I'm alive (well, as alive as I can be during the morning). Packing, closing the bank account, picking up M, cleaning, and buying myself a Belgian treat - a souvenir - is what I have planned for today. Bu the way, wouldn't it be nice if it was summer sometime soon?

Happy Friday!

Closures and bags

2012-01-12T23:08:00.000+01:00

It's getting closer to departure day. There are still loads to do and pack. The main mission today was to buy candy for the dog. I promised him we would do that before we leave. Yes, I'm pretty sure he didn't understand me but I know how much he loves those gravy bones. They only sell them in England but here in Belgium you'll find them at Stonemanor. The second mission of the day was to close my bank account but it didn't go as planned so finger's cross it will third time lucky tomorrow. I've spent the evening spending my Belgian iTunes gift cards. Yes, I buy my music. Right, need to get pack to the packing while listen to my newest favorite song. M's coming tomorrow and I couldn't be happier about that!

A day in Waterloo

2012-01-12T00:17:00.001+01:00

I spent most of today with Ebbs in Waterloo. First we had a frites lunch. Which is just about as unhealthy as it sounds. Then we went shoe shopping. Or rather she did. Ever since I bought my €10 shoes two weeks ago all shoes seem expensive. Then we just strolled the streets of Waterloo. Well, there only really is one street. Ebbs bought a perfume, bracelet and a pair of jeans. I bought a jacket and plates from Pain Quotidien. After our healty lunch we had an afternoon snack at La Brioche. Coffee and pancakes with cane sugar. Gosh, I think I died and went to pancake heaven.
I've spent the evening working hard on trying to be nerdy. I'm actual quite good at most of the basic stuff when it comes to domains, web hosts and websites but there are things I can't handle and in those cases M helps me or Per. Both of them a lot slower and none of them as impatient as me. So, while they sort out the bugs I might as well go and do what mum told me to do, the dishes.

Callens

2012-01-11T12:15:00.003+01:00

Yesterday Jo and I went out to have a cup of hot chocolate (feel free to look at it as us being young and playful or being old and boring). We couldn't be bothered to go all the way into Brussels and seeing as Chalet Robinson was closed we opted for Café Callens. I was there years ago when it had just opened. I didn't get it and didn't return before yesterday. Maybe I should have given the place a second chance sooner. It's really not as strict, businesslike and boring as I thought that first time. Although, they do not make hot chocolate.

Glitter shoes

2012-01-10T00:21:00.003+01:00

Glitter boots from Topshop

For as long as I can remember I've loved glitter. Just before Christmas I went glitter mad and all I could think of was glitter shoes. A bit like the ones above but more casual. Tips on where I can find them? And don't say these, or these or these. I want to perfect pair.

2011

2012-01-10T00:05:00.000+01:00

Everyone seems to be summing up 2011 with long blog posts or lists. Last year was such a crazy year for me that I don't know what to make of it. Sometimes it feels as though 2011 never happened. However, I should still be able to manage a list. I stole it from one of my favorite bloggers, Smäm who also makes fantastic art.

Film: Fast 5 (it was so good I saw it twice)

Album: Ashes and Fire - Ryan Adams

Song: Just a Feeling - Maroon 5

Concert: It's got to be my surprise date with M when he took me for dinner and a concert with Stefan Andersson. Second best would funnily enough have to be Stefan Andersson again but with M2 a couple of days before Christmas. It was the only time it really felt like Christmas.

Series: Downtown Abbey.

Buy of the Year: My clutch.

IT craze: What's App.

zOmg: The cold winter months in the beginning of year.

Blog: Sadly, I stopped reading a lot blogs during 2011. There's one I always check out and it's En mammas dag.

Cake: Macarons from Wittamer or Pierre Marcolini.

Game: Wordfeud.

Goddaughter: Lykke

Cool happening: Our renovated summer house.

Trip: All the trips to Brussels.

Göteborg happening: The city's most famous statue went on a SPA trip.

Brussels happening: Forever 21 came to town.

Disappointment: The journalists

Candy: Don't eat candy. Or maybe perhaps chocolate from Pierre Marcolini.

Surprise: Receiving a medal from JCI Sweden for all the good work.

Picture: Top of my list of things to improve next year is taking more photos. I don't have a single photo that stands out from 2011.

Best thing of the year: Getting to know M2.

Update

2012-01-09T00:42:00.002+01:00

Macarons from Pierre Marcolini

I've had the best weekend. A friend of mine came to visit. It was a nice change from all the other quiet and sad days that has been our daily mood since the press wrote all that stuff about dad. It was nice to talk about something else, to get a cuddle, to laugh and just to have someone here. I'm so thankful he came to hang out with me despite being warned about me being an awful tourist guide.
Tonight it's back to normal though and the tears made a comeback. It could be that I'm tired or it could very well be that it's empty and I miss my brother. It was easier when the whole family was together and we could take turns taking about other things than the newspapers and radio. This isn't the way we would like to leave Brussels but no matter how sad it is we still need to plan the move. My brother has packed his room and I've packed mine. M's coming on Friday (I really miss him now) and we're leaving on Sunday. For good. I'm trying not to think about it.
Hopefully, this last week will be a happy week with friends and some Belgian shopping.

The First

2012-01-02T00:19:00.001+01:00

So it's 2012. We're leaving Belgium after almost 20 years and I'm turning 30 later this year. I'll be honest and say that this year, although it's only just begin, scares me. I don't have a good feeling about it. Can't explain why it's just the way it is.

A couple of days after Christmas media decided to write a series of articles about my dad. The journalist behind the idea is one who has during several years tried to destroy my dad and the company he works for. Two months ago dad found out that they were going to look into the company and the job dad's done. It goes without saying that a journalist who doesn't like you will only find the negative things. It's been tough for the family because we know they twist words and we know it's personal. It's hard to see someone you love treated that badly in public. Especially these days with social media. It's not the best way to start 2012. It's completely drained me of energy. I can only hope that this is the last day I fill my diary with sadness.

Cosiness

2011-12-31T20:27:00.001+01:00

Having spent Christmas in Brussels with my family M flew back to Sweden on Wednesday. My parents felt very strongly that I should spend New Year's Eve with him so I arrived in a cold Sweden yesterday and I'm flying back tomorrow. We're spending the evening on our own which is just the way we want it. Although, I'm sure he wouldn't mind spending it with his friends and I wouldn't mind spending it with my family. Us two alone works fine as well. The next evening we spend together is two weeks away so quality time is probably for the best.

See you in 2012!

A Trade

2011-12-23T01:32:00.000+01:00

It's been another unproductive day. I've spent most of it on the sofa with my comfort blanket, iPad and cups of tea. It's funny how the same person gave me the best and worst Christmas present. Speaking of Christmas presents I've only bought two. For the ones in Sweden which I was planing on posting the same day I left the country. The only thing is I completely forgot about them during yesterday's crazy morning. With a bit of luck none of them were planing on getting anything so they won't get upset.
M2 called today. Now that if anything makes me happy. I'm still too scared and hurt to be friends but I know we'll run in to each other sooner or later so we might as well behave and be nice. It's incredibly sad when friendships don't work out. Especially this one. I don't know if my vocabulary is big enough to find words to describe who much I like him. In fact, I think it's one of those relationships which can't be explained in word. If I thought it would do any good I would write an essay about how much he means to me but it's a bit too late. In fact, I think the more I mention him and how much I care for him the slimmer the chances are of us ever being friends again.
Then Christian called a second ago. With him I know the score. We've know each other for ages. There's brutal honesty but always love. He bosses me around and it hurts sometimes but I know he sort of cares. I trust him and know he's always there for me if I really really need him. Like most of my friends. I don't do casual friendships. It fits well with the part of my personality that doesn't like grey zone. Yet, I'd easily trade a year with Christian just to see M2 for a day. The way we used to hang out. Back in the days. It could be because I know that Christian would still be there after a year or it could be because I madly want M2 in my life.
Right, need to go and call Sof. Who is probably the only friend who gets the extent of my sadness from moving. Which I know I haven't yet done. So just image, if I'm this sad three weeks before we're due to leave Brussels forever it's most likely not going to feel better when we finally say good-bye.

A Different Kind of Friendship

2011-12-22T01:17:00.004+01:00

Tonight I realized that it can be wrong to love. You can love someone too much. There are people who just cannot handle being loved. It's funny because I thought love could never be wrong. More fool me. I thought of this when I woke up from the strangest dream.

On a completely different note, as expected I'm exhausted. It's been a long day. Not the best of days but we did make it to Brussels. I've slept most of the day and M help mum and dad with preparations for the move. Then this evening I spent 30 minutes in M's lap crying over M2. Our friendship scares me. M says I can't spend my life worrying about things which may never happen. In this case, losing M2. My biggest fear in life is being abandoned. All my life I've had friends who I knew from the start wouldn't be around forever. I'm lucky that I managed to stay in touch with some of them. They knew just as well as I did the conditions of our friendship. It come with an expiry date. I guess it sounds really weird if you've not moved around a lot or haven't been to a school where the class never looks the same from year to year. With M2 that condition doesn't apply and I just think it's strange. And scary. Add to that my fear of trusting people and you have a full-on disaster. M says I'm stupid to push away the only friend I have especially considering that having a friend this year made me happier than I've ever been during these five years. I think it's wise to stay away, not get attached and then abandoned. It's painful and silly but every commitment terrifies me at the moment. And also, it's not the best of balance with him being my only friend in Sweden and me being one of many. I become clingy. Super clingy even. I don't know. Maybe I'll never have friends in Sweden. Understandably so. Who would put up with me when I'm in these moods.

A friend said I'm only sad these days. I know but I don't know why. I could try and be happy in the blog but it's my blog and I happen to think that I'm allowed to be however sad I want. Having said that, it would be nice to skip the tears. I have no idea where they're coming from or how to make it stop. Hormones perhaps?

I'm off to bed. With my comfort blanket. I love comfort blankets. I love the smell of them. It could be the one thing that will get me through Christmas in one piece even if it comes with buckets of tears.

The Minus and The Plus

2011-12-21T02:00:00.001+01:00

After two days from hell and just as many sleepless nights which ended with a broken Childhood bracelet I'm fairly ready to go home to my family. Not ready for Christmas. Don't think I'll ever be this year.

I've realised a few things this last week. Having a crush on someone who probably couldn't care less is emotional torture. Jealousy can really kill you. Not being the one is unbelievable sad sometimes. Saying the L word but never hearing it is tiring but brave. Telling your boyfriend you want to be happy without being able to explain why you're unhappy isn't very smart. Writing Christmas cards should be done a week before Christmas Eve at the latest. Writing the address to unmarried couples with kids is a challenge I don't particularly enjoy. It's a good thing dads only retire once as it's a emotional roller coaster. Pretending the big move is weeks away is probably going to result in a record breaking tear shed. Crying makes you very thirsty and this is especially noticeable if you never normally don't drink water.

On the surplus account, hugs are a good thing. So are jumpers full of memories and a somewhat false illusion of love and safety.

The Builder

2011-12-19T19:27:00.002+01:00

I've become completely obsessed with love as in I want to know everything about why and how we fallin love and with whom we fall in love. It started when I watched the TED talk with Helen Fisher. I suspect it's the next step towards completely losing faith in romance. Nevertheless, it's truly fascinating stuff.

Having watched all Helen Fisher videos and read all the articles I of course had to take the Chemistry test (which ended up with me being a member of a dating site I can't even log on to but never mind). You never know with these tests. Some are compete bullocks while others are fairly correct. This one, however, was spot on. I'm a builder.

They are an executive. They are consistent, reliable, thorough and persevering. They can also be socially charming. So, they are good at managing others at home and work, in thier social circles, and in community projects.

They are efficient too. They have high standards and take their duties seriously, focusing carefully and persistently on their assignments with sensible, concrete, tough-minded thinking and exactitude.

They respect schedules, rules, routines and customs. Appropriate behavior is generally important to them. Yet they have a streak of the independent and innovative thinker. As a result, they have a good balance between conventionality and originality.

They are also a good leader. They are direct, analytical, and skeptical, as well as emotionally contained and clear headed. They acquire the perks of rank more easily than most. And, they handle their possessions gracefully. They also enjoy time alone, focusing deeply on thier personal interests.

It goes on. When it comes to relating to others builders are generally comfortable with it. Family is very important for us and we're very protective of those we love. We're skeptical of people who are impulsive and impatient with those who don't get to the point. I don't know but the whole test result felt so real. Even the part about the partners. I thought about it because my spontaneous reaction was that it wasn't true seeing as it's none of the qualities that M have. Two days later I know that I probably want the qualities listed in the test result but that doesn't necessarily mean M and I won't work. We've made it work for five years. Maybe that's the difference. If you choose someone who doesn't tick all the boxes you have to work harder.

It's seems as though no matter how right your partner is for you monogamy isn't the way to go. I've suspected this for a while. You either see other people or you decided that a part of being in a relationship is making sacrifices.

So, this is what I do day in and day out. Figuring out love. Because that's the way I work. I have a need to understand. I'm very uncomfortable with not understanding.

Christmas Wish List, Part 4

2011-12-19T00:24:00.001+01:00

The last part. The randoms. Just because I love material things. It's actually not that easy finding things I want. I swear, all I really want is quality time with my loved ones.

A robot. Any robot will do. Any quantity as well.

USB stick. The best kind.

A chalk moose. Probably just the thing I need.

Candle holder by from a reindeer's horn

Philosykos solid perfume from Diptyque

I love bracelets. Like a lot. I'm thinking a simple black braided leather bracelet from Sophie by Sophie would look good on my arm.

Christmas Wish List, Part 3

2011-12-18T13:50:00.003+01:00

Yes, there's more! Books! Well, sort of.

My Wonderful World of Fashion: A Book for Drawing, Creating and Dreaming by Nina Chakrabarti

A dark red Simple Diary.

Smythson's Make It Happen notebook

Christmas Wish List 2011 - Part 2

2011-12-18T12:00:00.000+01:00

It's not that I'm short of things to wish for. Here's the second part. The goodies.

Save the Orangutan. Save Hercules.

I'd love it is someone gave me Hercules as a Christmas present. It's sad to see children, well families, starving but my soft spot always has been and always will be animals. I'm completely in love with Hercules. And Save the Orangutan are doing a great job and I'd be very happy if I can help them by adopting Hercules.

Skull box by Acne from Rädda Barnen

The Swedish Save The Children (Rädda barnen) have a great online shop with loads of lovely finds. I still have a weakness for skulls and would love this little box.

Christmas Wish list 2011 - Part 1

2011-12-18T09:00:00.000+01:00

I can't think of anything I'd like more than love and time with my family and friends but apparently, that was to vague for some so here it goes. The jewels on my wish list.

Ring by Alex Monroe from Net-a-Porter

Ring by Dominic Jones from Net-a-Porter

Bracelet by 82 from Kyss Johanna

Nighttime

2011-12-18T01:18:00.001+01:00

If my eyes look swollen it's because they are.

M has gone to bed but I'm still up (obviously) contemplating nothing at all. I want to write something really nice and I want to write what I'm feeling but it seems to irrelevant. I'm pretty certain I've said too much to the person I could easily dedicate a blog post to. You know how feelings usually include someone else than you. It makes things complicated. There are things better not shared with everyone.

So, while I'm lay here on the sofa contemplating nothing I came to think of all the funny and embarrassing things I've done. Gosh, and all the crushes I've had. Not to mention all the guys I've stalked. I really have no shame. The funny thing is when I'm really really in love I turn shy. Not like shy but more über shy. I remember how I could hide behind my friends at clubs if He was there. How I couldn't speak. I was lucky if I managed to nod my head. Good times. Can't remember the last time I was that shy. It would be a bit weird if I after five years could barely talk to M out of shyness. Haha can you imagine!

Images

2011-12-17T20:45:00.001+01:00

I'm incredibly sensitive at the moment. M's completely given up on me and I spend most days on my own. There are so many things on my mind. And it's Christmas. One major thing is leaving Belgium. It's the only real place I can call home. Then there's the fact that I know for a fact that I'll see less of my friends. I know how it goes. I've said goodbye to so many throughout the years. No matter how well your intentions are they never work out. I've also come to realize that making friends, truly close ones, at the age of 29 is difficult if not impossible. Especially if you like me have issues trusting people. I don't know. I tried but I just don't think it's going to happen. Then I again if I've managed for five years I'm sure I'll survive the coming years.

Right. My sensitivity. I for some reason find great comfort in all things love related. Preferably the tragic parts of love. Have you ever googled love? It's crazy the amount of results you get. So, braze yourself for a bombard of love images. Today's favorites.

Sherlock

2011-12-17T16:54:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I went to see Sherlock Holmes. M asked me the other day if I wanted to see it and I think I said no. I can't remember the first movie which normally means it wasn't that good. Ask me in about a year and I'll probably not remember much of this one either. And I did feel asleep somewhere in Switzerland. It don't get Robert Downey Jr, he's just strange. Stephen Fry and the funny British humor was brilliant though. The best thing of all was without a doubt the company. Now I just have to build up the courage to tell M I've already seen it or I'll see it again. This time I might even get the Swiss scenery.

Hair Day

2011-12-14T13:04:00.002+01:00

I'm barely sleeping during the nights. I've tried everything including cold rooms, hot milk and sugar, crosswords. I'm open to all types of weird suggestions. Anything for a good nights sleep. I'm thinking I should sleep on the sofa tonight. I mean, who can't fall asleep on the sofa?

I'm suppose to meet a friend later today. Do you think I can show up with braids? The thing is my hair hurts badly (or I guess actually the roots that hurt) and my mum said that I should braid it and then let it out. It becomes bigger but feels lighter. Mum used to do it for me when I was younger. Braiding it on my own is a bit trickier but I think I did an OK job. Getting the hair under control once the braids are out is a completely different matter.

Starting Over

2011-12-12T11:52:00.001+01:00

Didn't get much of a beauty sleep. I'm meeting dad later today and need to look a lot better than I do now. It's all about the appearances.
I'm thinking about changing my ticket home since all my dates (which I was looking forward to) this week have been cancelled. If it wasn't for the fact that I've already changed my outbound flight two times I'd change it right away. Maybe I should just have breakfasts and go to Liseberg but on my own. It's M yearly night out on Friday. I remember how I used to hate that Friday. I'm incapable of feeling anything at the moment so we'll see how it goes.
Gosh, this blog has been sad for long enough. No more sadness until 2012. And it's Monday. A new week and a new start.

2011-12-12T02:58:00.001+01:00

I passed out around 10 which is rarely a good idea since I tend to wake up at 2-3 in the morning after such early nights. Tonight not being an exception. I actually woke up because I dreamt a friend of mine was trying to kill me by suffocating me. Goes to figure I'm better of awake.
I've been thinking of everything and nothing. I've read the same messages so many times that I almost know them by heart. It's funny, the other day I was discussing with a friend who picky I was when it came to real friends. Then ones you truly love and rely on. I was saying how happy I was to final have someone like that here. I even had some casual friends. There's got to be curse against me and finding happiness in this country. Whenever I think I might actually like it here something happens which makes me want to leave. I don't know if I'll ever have any real friends here. In about a month I'll be saying goodbye to my friends in Brussels. It would have been easier if I know there would be some here. Instead, I feel incredibly lonely.
However, when I look back at this year I only have positive memories. I've met so many nice people. I've had lovely brekkie dates, dinner dates and day long dates. Even M has been sweet. I don't know what went wrong. Maybe it was just all too good (some things definitely were). Maybe I don't deserve to be happy for a whole entire year. I'm not complaining because 11 good months and one less good month is great. It could, like the previous years, have been the other way around. Not that it's been that bad but I'm sure you get it.
M told it's going to be alright. I'm sure it will. Sometimes though it would be nice to not always have to start from scratch.

That Type of Christmas

2011-12-11T20:52:00.001+01:00

I don't know how I manage but I must really be misbehaving the other months of the year. For the second year in a row I think someone just destroyed my Christmas. And no it's not M. It's more that I managed to do it all on my own by just loving. I hate that I foolishly assume people care. It's a harsh reminder that I should be more careful with whom I let into my life. After two wonderful weeks it was hard to see this one coming.
Jeez, I need to find the first flight out of here. Obviously, a better year should be on the top of my wish list but the irony is that up until now it's been my best year in Sweden. I guess I could wish for a better Christmas.

PopBooth

2011-12-07T13:27:00.001+01:00

I have a new favorite app. It's called PopBooth and it is so much fun. And the filters, ah love them! Yesterday I sent this über cute PopBooth photo to a friend. I thought it was really considerate and genuinely nice of me. That was then. Now, I just think it was pathetic. I'm pretty sure then friend thinks so as well. Never mind, just get the app. Enjoy!

2011-12-07T01:39:00.001+01:00

M is downstairs working but I went to bed ages ago. With butterflies in my stomach. Isn't lovely when you're just happy. Over the moon happy. Probably too happy but never mind.
I had a nice dinner with a friend today and then attended Pecha Kucha where I met M's crazy former boss. And don't know. I guess in many ways it was just an ordinary night but yet it made me happy, like a foolish crush does. And it gets better. I have time to read a magazine. I can't remember the last time that happened. I love it!

The Happy Week

2011-12-06T12:21:00.001+01:00

Gosh, I can't be weird for an eternity. No, enough with the breakdowns and the self pity. I did actually wake up with a smile on my face yesterday. It could be because the walk with a friend on Sunday evening or because M's being super nice. Most probably it's because I have the funniest best friend ever. Because of him I woke up thinking of dead fish and laughing. It still makes me smile. Yesterday, when I talked to a friend of mine who's going through a rough patch I told her the story about the fishes. And it worked! It's the best cheer up story ever. So whenever I'm feeling sad I'll just think of the fishes. Who knew they could be so much fun.

Right, happy mode until Christmas and the whole of 2012.

The Quest

2011-12-04T13:45:00.001+01:00

I don't know what I was expecting. Did I really think I could watch the sea for hours and then suddenly it would come to me? It being the answers. Apparently I did think so. I thought wrongly.

My Teddy bear

2011-12-03T22:20:00.001+01:00

Meet Mr Chocolate. My parents gave him to me when I was one. I'll forgive you for thinking he's called Mr Chocolate because he's brown but it's actually because he smells of chocolate. And yes, twenty-eight years later he still smells of chocolate (I know M puts him in another bedroom when I'm not home because he smells so much). Moments like now, he's my biggest comfort. If not my only comfort.
I think I might be having one of those strange attacks again. A lot of tears and not so much oxygen. I've told M I just want to be alone. Preferably, not in this house. I'm thinking I should escape. Spend the night and the coming night away from here. Somewhere where I can be alone. Maybe write a book. Or just think, cry, think and cry some more.
It's all so strange. I've given up on trying to understand. And I've given up on trusting people. The more I think about it the more insane it seems. I should at least learn how to trust lightly. Not go all in. Or at the very least stop relying on people. Mr Chocolate on the other hand can always be trusted. He's always there to make me feel safe. And loved.

Breakfasts

2011-12-02T18:45:00.001+01:00

Yesterday, I finally got to have breakfast with Peter. We've barely had a single breakfast date this year. What happened to 2011 by the way? Didn't it pass quicker than previous years? And yes, I know it's not over yet. After the breakfast (a long one) I more or less headed straight to lunch with Mariska. We talked design, business ideas and sleep deprivation. I then headed home to get changed and feel asleep (getting up before 6 isn't my cup of tea). Woke up terribly late for the after work but actually made it on time. It was a lovely evening and very nice Champagne. Actually, it's been a fantastic week filled with love and lots of time to relax. A lot thanks to M2 who's sacrificed his evenings and this morning to be with me. Not sure who much fun I was this morning though. M worked until 4 and I kept waking up every hour to check how he was doing. Then we both got up at 5.45. Two early mornings in a row make a very tired Victoria. Still, love breakfasts dates.

Top tips

2011-11-30T23:37:00.001+01:00

Lesson learnt. Don't write an "I'm collapsing" post and then forget to update the blog. All you worried souls can stop worrying. There's M and then there's M2. M makes sure I don't fall and M2 does his best to put a smile on my face. Neither have an easy mission nor is it something I've asked for. I still think I'm perfectly fine. Fair enough, I'm moodier, constantly tired and don't enjoy things the way I used to.

There are two thing one can avoid asking me if the aim isn't to destroy my day or cause a minor tearful breakdown. First, don't ask if I'm happy about my parents moving to Sweden. You see, they'll only be living here half the time. More importantly, yes, I'm happy they're moving back but they're also leaving the closest thing I have to a home.
Secondly, don't suggest that I should give myself a break. Rest. Take it easy. Chill. Don't have so high expectations of myself. Nothing stresses me out more. And no, no one puts more pressure on me than I do.

Monday and today have been wonderful though. M2 has treated me to hockey (which could quite possibly be the best reason for living in Sweden) and today he brought me along to a concert. It's nice and very appreciated to be able to escape everyday life once in a while. Having said that, the thing I like the most is being given quality time. I'm pretty sure M2 can think of better things to do with his evening. Or at least more fun people to be with. Still, it makes me a very happy and lucky girl.

Ps. Someone asked why I call them M and M2. It's simply because their name is Magnus. Magnus the boyfriend has ever since he entered the blog been called M. M2 therefore seemed convenient.

The breakdown.

2011-11-28T12:56:00.001+01:00

So, yesterday. Yesterday, it finally happened. The world just sort of fell apart. I just cried for no particular reason. You know something is wrong when you cry because it's raining when you're driving, or because you dropped a plate. I felt like I couldn't breath. I was petrified. I suppose it's not funny and although, I'm sort of feeling better today it's not all good. I'm under strict orders to take it easy and to try and lower the expectations I have of myself. Obviously, if I knew how to I wouldn't be in this state.

I've always had high expectations of myself. Always. Ever since I was a little girl. I've always been a perfectionist. And I guess I can be quite destructive. So I push myself to the absolute limit and then usually sleep for 12 hours. Brush it off and start all over again. Go to reason you can't do that for 29 years without collapsing once. M says it won't just be OK, not without professional help. I say it will. I might take a day or two but it will. It could be that I'm underestimating this stress/pressure thing. Time will tell.

Another Return. Another Home.

2011-11-26T13:35:00.001+01:00

The week in Brussels passed fast. I got to see some friends. I attended to a book reading. I went for walk with mum and a very tired and old dog. I had meetings. I had a cancelled meeting. Oh, and I learnt about testicles and monogamy. The only thing I did really do was to take photos. This is all I have.

M and I are off to the city now for coffee. I'm away all day tomorrow so it's quality boyfriend time today. Especially after last night which I spent watching him play poker haha.

Home. Again.

2011-11-21T23:26:00.001+01:00

Appearances can be deceiving. I very much doubt I look this happy nowadays. I'm severely confused and slightly stressed. This was the latest picture I had on my computer though. My iPhone and iPad have died or rather I killed them by not bringing the charger. I left for Brussels yesterday for a meeting that was scheduled today but of course got cancelled. Not that I mind being here. Even if being at home for a couple of days would have been nice. M and I have some serious quality time to catch up on.

Mum and I went to Brussels today to pick up my bag, change my bracelet and have lunch. I chose the most beautiful color for my bracelet. It's a warm red orangey color, gorgeous! I'll show you once I get any of my iGadgets to work. I sort of forgot to charge the camera before I left as well. I know. I didn't do very well. In my defense, I had 30 minutes to pack and print my boarding cards.

Anyways, this sleep deprived creature needs to sleep. Or at least try.

Holding the Net

2011-11-19T01:08:00.001+01:00

Late night posts without a picture might become this month's theme here on the blog. Posts without pictures tend to be sad and deep ones, I wonder why that is. I suppose it's because it's hard to find photos that represents your thoughts.

I received a phone call this evening. A drunken one I think. From a friend I've fallen out with. Trust and disappointment and all that. It's a sensitive thing for me, trust. Not something to be messed with.
Now, does one expect drunken apologies? I still think it's best to not be friends even if my life feels empty and it's incredibly sad to have one good friend less. This special someone meant a lot, like really a lot, but acted strange. In a hurtful way. Me not being the most forgiving type. And being generally stressed and worried and completely incapable of letting things go can of course not just move on. I thought about the arguing, the disagreement and all the good thing. Nothing makes sense but I know I only want genuine friends in my life. People who I trust to hold up the safety net. Surely that's not asking too much?

Right. Tomorrow all will be well and I'll find myself a treat.

State of Mind

2011-11-18T01:32:00.001+01:00

It's a funny thing having a bad conscience. It might take hours, days, weeks, months or even years but sooner or later it will catch up with you. A completely self inflicted wound. It's the actions or words you can't lie to yourself about. The ones that almost felt fine for a moment but seconds later you feel your gut feeling. I learnt yestday that the mind can't really be fooled but post rationalizing is fairly common. I do it all the time when I shop but rarely with my own actions. I think I might have done this time though and it's eating me. How do you settle a bad conscience?

You keep going and going and everything is fine up until everything is just a bit too much. I've said yes to more than I should have done lately. For a moment today I sensed a panic attack, minor one, coming up. Or I don't know if it's a panic attack. It's like driving towards a car crash knowing you can't stop it. Or being in a room where the oxygen is disappearing. It's only happened once before. June I think. I just kept going. I do that. Today I just sat down and took deep breaths. Strange how challenging that can be. I pride myself in being able to read people. I would like to think that the friends I have are friends I can truly trust. People I know. People I love. People who feel the same way about me. Being at a school where it was a matter of survival of the fittest or at the least smartest I learnt to pick the friends who would look out for me. Picking the right friends is vital. Yes, I've picked bad ones but probably not since I was 14. Having moved around a fair deal as a child I quickly learnt that saying goodbye to friends hurt. I realized the fewer real friends you have the less it hurts. I've done well up until now. I think I let someone in who might not have been the friend I thought. We broke up as friends need to do. I was reminded how much it hurts to loose a friend. Especially the ones you love. But sometimes it takes a great fall to know where you stand. Honestly, I'm not sure I know. I know I miss my friend. Every second of every day. When friends are a scarcity you don't just finish the friendships you have. Then there's the age thing. Meeting good, true, honest friends gets harder for each year that passes. Supposedly because there's more to catch up on. I'm heartbroken but some relationships just don't work. Since M and I rarely argue these days I had forgotten how much a broken heart hurts. The pain. Isn't it weird that in 2012 we still don't have pain killers for heart pain?

I could go on about being in Sweden. We were fine this country and I. Now though, I need to constantly be reminded why I live here. It's of course the best possible reason, love. Still, I wonder if it might not be time for a change. If only for a little while. I'll start by going home for a while on Sunday. It's not an escape it's just easier to tackle the matters of the mind and heart from your comfort zone.

Versace for H&M

2011-11-17T20:37:00.001+01:00

H&M's queue system

The two days at SIME in Stockholm were awesome. Full of energy, motivation and loads of knowledge. I got back yesterday at midnight at went straight to bed with a fever. I was supposed to have brekkie with M2 today but that didn't happen. Sad but true. I had a another morning meeting at 10 though so got up fairly early anyways.
Otherwise, I had one mission today (loads of work but only one mission) and that was to grab something form the Versace for H&M collection. The online store was, as every year, not working and when I finally got to the physical store at 11.20 I got a queue ticket. Different tickets had different entrance times and I got a place at the last entry at 12.35. So I went back to the car and waited. While I was sitting there I gave the online store another go and result! I managed to bag a pair of earrings and a ring. When I went back to the store at 12.35 almost everything was sold out. Apart from a book from Taschen called 1000 Contemporary Fashion Designers.

Early start

2011-11-15T07:05:00.001+01:00

It's way too early for me to be awake not to mention being out outside waiting for a train. I'm of to Stockholm to attend SIME. Well happy that I got the chance this year again. And I'm staying at Kris' place so I get to hang out with him. Truth be told though, I already miss M. And I only said goodbye 30 minutes ago. That's how bad it is.

The Weekend

2011-11-14T11:41:00.001+01:00

It wasn't the most exciting weekend but the kitchen is finally ash free. Thank god for Guetta and Usher who got me through the dullness. Swiftly moving on. New week, hectic one. Happy Monday!

The Auction

2011-11-11T13:54:00.001+01:00

Remember a while back when I told you M bought me something at an auction? I said I'd show you a picture the day after but never got around to it. Well, here it is! I don't quite know what it is but never mind it's got plenty of buttons which I love.

The Christmas Card

2011-11-10T22:40:00.001+01:00

image: http://www.etsy.com/shop/camispaperie

My cold is getting worse and worse for each day that goes by. It might be made worse by the state of the kitchen. We had a little accident in there a while ago which M promised to sort but has yet to do. So, it's a mess. A black mess. And he just told me he'll be away this weekend so guess who's stuck with the cleaning?
Apart from getting hooked on bad soaps, sleeping, dreaming weird feverish dreams and coughing I've also realized that Christmas is coming up. I'm initiated Project Christmas Cards today. It's mad who many types of cards there are. If I was single and didn't have to compromise I'd get the one above. For sure.

The Week That Disappeared

2011-11-08T12:18:00.000+01:00

It's been a crazy week. Full speed all hours of the day. On Sunday I was, to put it midly, knackered. There wasn't an inch of energy left in me. So many new impressions, new acquaintances, new ideas. A week at a JCI congress is like a long, whirlwind brainstorming session with 4000 people and late party nights. The Swedish delegation all contracted a cold. I was well pleased I missed it but then of course I woke up on Monday with a sore throat. Today I'm running an errand but the rest of the day will be spent in bed. Really looking forward to flying back home tomorrow with stuffed nose, headache and no voice. Joy. To make up for my absence, here are a few snapshots from the week. A special thank you to Vincy how organised the best Champagne and sushi night I've ever had. It takes a special man to cheer up two mooding girls and make them stay up till 4 when they're dead tired.

New haircut

Daddy and I

Thank you Vincent!

The best sushi I've had

Sunday treat

Congress leftovers

A walk in the park.

A sign

2011-10-30T10:28:00.000+01:00

This morning I was kindly reminded that my blog needed to be updated. I didn't quite understand but when I surfed to my blog this morning I realized all my blogging from the mobile was in vain. Don't know what happened but obviously the post never made it to the blog.

I'm alive so don't worry. It was a stressful week and I flew home on Thursday. It's the most beautiful spring weather here and I'm feeling stupidly happy. Good stuff hey?

Good morning tired!

2011-10-21T11:19:00.000+02:00

Help. Me. Gosh. Right, so yesterday evening I sat down to write an email to all Swedish JCI delegates going to Brussels. I then thought it would be a brilliant idea to make a map. Google map being the shit and easy and reliable and all that. The first two spots were just as easy as I had expected but then it all went badly wrong. The locations were on the wrong streets, I had to move the marker wait for it to be approved and then move on. Before I knew it it was 4am. Good work. My darling friends are coming today I have to run a few errands before they show up. At the moment I'm too tired to stand up. A bit like being wasted. Before lunch.

Today

2011-10-19T11:08:00.002+02:00

Today's lovely weather. It's not quite as dark as it looks though.

Tastiest: For the first time in ages I'm drinking tea that I bought myself. It's a red tea with a taste of apples and vanilla. Delicious!

Happening: I was hoping for lunch today but suspect that's not going to happen. I'm really really really looking forward to seeing Kristine, Martin, Odin and Lykke on Friday. Can't wait!

Weather: Aggressive showers, drizzle and pouring rain. Variation is a good thing I've heard.

Craving: I actually splashed out on my latest craving. Which means I'll be eating noodles for the rest of the month.

Website: Goodies. All for free.

Book: A don't have time for books right now. The only thing I find time to read is award nominations for JCI. Some in English and some in French. Joy.

Harmful Googling

2011-10-19T00:28:00.001+02:00

Image: www.interflora.se

On the sofa. Googling M's ex flings. Not girlfriends but flings. One night stands. Long-term flirts. Call it whatever you like but they were never girlfriends. I was talking to Jo earlier today and telling her how I've never loved M as much as I do now. OK, so I have a crush on someone else and that might not be ideal but nevertheless, I really love M. It's taken me years to feel like this again. Years of unfaithfulness, trust issues, broken promises and all other kinds of misery. It's almost been a year (knock on wood) without any drama. No other women. Just me. Or he's gotten very good at covering his traces. Honestly though, I think we're finally good. Which makes the Googling even stranger.

On a completely different note. Kristine and her family (including my one and only adorable goddaughter) are coming this weekend. I'm thinking of buying flowers. I used to always buy flowers on Fridays but M and I are barely home during the weekends nowadays. To celebrate that we're home and that we have our best Norweigan friends (could actually be our best "couple friends") here there shall be flowers come Friday. Loads of lovely autumn colored ones. Which makes me think of when I found a flower delivery on my doorstep. The most beautiful bouquet of tulips I've ever seen. I still look at a picture of the flowers sometimes when I'm sad. It means just as much today as it did all those moths ago.

Goodbyes

2011-10-17T21:10:00.002+02:00

This is what I look like. Destroyed. It's been like this for a while but the sadness peaked today. That crush I had didn't disappear. Made me confused and sad. I thought about it decided to step away. I get crushes on my (male) friends every now and then. Most of them are fully aware. I get possessive and completely obsessed. It's just unpleasant for everyone involved.

Now, I just suspect I might have lost a friend and I'm still sad. And confused. And yes, you can get crushes on other people even though you have a boyfriend. It's not the end of the world or the end of the relationship. I just can't remember the last time it happened to me. Obviously, I had forgotten that it's not all smiles.

Good morning!

2011-10-16T11:48:00.001+02:00

I can't think of a more beautiful place to wake up a cold autumn day! I've slept for hours and got breakfast served in front of the fireplace. Right, let's deal with Sunday!

Friday Present!

2011-10-15T00:52:00.000+02:00

It's Friday and we've just spent the evening cleaning and changing light bulbs. How's that for a Friday evening? M's family are coming for dinner on Sunday. We're just lending our house since we're always the lucky ones to host the birthday dinners. M's brother (who I actually like) is sorting out the food and drinks. Well, he and his new girlfriend are. The first girlfriend I get to meet. I wonder what she will make of the family from ... hmm ... another planet. Their sister is bringing her newborn baby. I suspect this dinner might top all previous ones. M and I heading out to our summer house tomorrow so that I can relax and not get whined up. I know, the dinner is only a couple of hours but trust me. The hours pass very slow on these occasions.
I didn't have time to get myself a Friday present today but luckily I'd saved the presents M2 gave me on Monday. He's seriously too considerate and cute to be single. Strange how many of my male friends are great catches but all single. While my player friends are all in a relationship. Not that I'm complaining, I get all the best men for myself. Even if M2 isn't too keen on only being mine. Apparently, I have to share. As much as I like male friends just as much do I dislike sharing.

Mud and Thoughts

2011-10-13T23:04:00.000+02:00

My days consist of making a website, emailing, writing job applications, loads of non profit chores and walks to clear my head. I woke up the other day with a strange intense crush. It comes and goes and I don't know what to make of it. I'm hoping it will pass. Like all my crushes do but still, it's awkward. Anyways, the walks help. A bit. It would be even better if my foot didn't hurt so badly. And the leafs could be more colorful and not so damn brown. But then you can't have it all. As long as I'm happy and not as miserable as I usually get during the colder and darker months of the year I really shouldn't complain.

Season finale

2011-10-11T14:49:00.000+02:00

I spent the weekend in Stockholm at JCI Sweden's National Convention. Met up with some old JCI friends I haven't seen in a while. Very nice and very exhausting. I didn't get to attend too many seminars since I had decided to run for National Local Information Officer and had lots of preparations head of the election. Yes, I know, I should consider taking up planing. Or as my best friend asked me, when did Noah build the ark? I've always been a last minute girl and I think as long as the ark is ready when the flood comes you'll do fine.
I was dead tired most of the weekend though and ridiculously sensitive. Hormones, got to love them. I had looked forward to the party on Saturday but at 2 am I couldn't keep my eyes open and went to bed. I got up early to head in to town to have breakfast with Anna who I haven't seen in ages. Breakfast and a good catch-up is hard to beat!
When I got on the train later on Sunday it took 4 seconds before I feel asleep and I woke up when the train was 30 minutes away from Göteborg. M picked me up, we went home so that I could get change and have something to eat. By now the rain was pouring down and the winds were strong and chilly. The kind of autumn weather you can only get on the coast. Still, Liseberg's fireworks should not be missed. Especially if you like M have a new camera. I would be lying if I said it was nice because it wasn't but it wasn't miserable either. Now we're looking forward to the Christmas market. It's crazy isn't it? Where did 2011 go?

Hockey

2011-10-04T23:42:00.002+02:00

Tonight was hockey night with dad and M. First, we had dinner at the usual Italian place. I decided to try something else which wasn't the wisest of decisions. Then the game started and it took less than two minutes for the opponent's to score to two goals. We lost the game in the end which was disappointing but I still loved every minute. Every minute with dad is the best. Look at the picture! It's taken for a uncomfortable position and unflattering angle but I'm a happy puppy.

Nighttime Happiness

2011-10-03T02:23:00.001+02:00

It's passed two and I should be asleep but I got so caught up with work that I lost track of time. I've figured out that I have a sleep train that passes around 10.30pm and then the next one is at 4am. While in the morning they seem to go once every 30 minutes. So, instead of being even remotely tired I'm wide awake. And happy. Seriously good stuff. Just talked to Vincy who just like M has a minor hangover today. Although M got up at 2pm and went to bed at 11pm. Maybe I should take up drinking? Seems to solve all types of sleeping problems.

Right. I'm going to see if I can find someone to play Wordfeud with me. Love that game!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Nighttime Happiness

Good Evening!

2011-10-01T22:48:00.004+02:00

Yesterday was just about as chaotic as I suspected it would be. I hate it when I wake up late and don't have enough time to do all the things I want. I made it to the lunch (just on time), then a quick trip to the Coast store to buy a bolero (which they didn't have), quickly did a few errands (bought beer based on the cuteness of the label) for M, an express visit home to change (two outfit changes and new make-up in 20 minutes) but was still late for the afterwork and election meeting. Didn't stay too long at the afterwork and headed to the casino instead. M and his colleagues go every last Friday of the month and I try to meet up as often as I can. Having not slept a lot lately my dear boyfriend was tired but since I was more hungry than he was tired we had dinner at a Chinese restaurant close to the casino before heading home. I really can't have lunch as early as 12 I'm starving by 5 and hate eating before 8. Just so you know haha.

M's at a friend's place tonight. A boy's night in (how uncool is that?). I'm enjoying a quiet night at home but make a quick stop to the supermarket to buy candles, water and a cookbook. Haha, it's the only time I can buy a cookbook. M would shoot me if he knew. I'm such a rebel. Oh, and we bought chocolate for me early in the day. I pick some with goat's cheese. I was super excited I had found a combination of my two of my favorite things but it turns out they should be enjoyed separately. Lesson of the day.

Good Morning!

2011-09-30T11:41:00.001+02:00

Hello sunshines! I'm in town and on my way to the Social Media Lunch. I fell asleep too late and woke up to late (of course the train was late as well) so the whole day will be spent trying to catch up. Joy!

Three Of My Favorite Things

2011-09-29T22:41:00.001+02:00

Apart from handbags and all things pink there are two things I love. Skulls and robots. And buttons of course. Yesterday it was the purple skull and today I found this adorable robot necklace at Accessorize. Of course I had to have it! With it's cheap price tag it was a bargain. And how cute is it not? I then headed for another play date with Mariska before meeting up with M for an auction. I'll show you what he got me tomorrow. Need to sleep now after a restless evening. M had to work during the night at came home at 5 only to have a shower and head to the office. I never sleep very well when I'm waiting for him to come home so a tiny bit tired today. Then again, I'm probably holding up better than he is.

TV & Dates

2011-09-28T23:41:00.000+02:00

My latest skull item. A candleholder from KostaBoda

Today might possibly have been the least productive day I've had for a year. (Hmm, that sentence doesn't make any sense). Bottom line, it's been a lazy day and my brain is under stimulated. I attempted to write job applications but gave up before I started. I've spent most of the day reading, watched Body Farm and Downtown Abbey, had a shower (M was about to kick me out of the house) and then I met up with M2. I took about four minutes for me to realize that I prefer when we call it dates instead of just meeting up for a coffee (or wine as it was today). Not that there's any difference but still. And no, M doesn't mind. It's only a word. Nor do I think I would mind. We've changed a lot M and I. Well. mostly I. It's takes a lot to rattle my cage nowadays. Mind you, it's easily said when everything is fine between us. But remind me during the next turmoil!

Shut Up

2011-09-26T13:33:00.002+02:00

Image: www.theresesennerholtshop.se/echarge/

I finally found something to treat myself with. It's a print I've been wanting to buy for a long time but never got around to buying it. Until yesterday. I have to reorganize the walls, or rather the prints on the walls, to fit it in but there are a couple of rooms upstairs which need wall decorations so that won't be a problem. The artist Therese Sennerholt makes wonderful prints. It's torture trying to decide on just one.

Today is cleaning day. It's been cleaning day since Thursday but I've been avoiding it for days. There's a good chance I might avoid it today as well considering my stomach ache. What is they say, "there's no time like the present"? First lunch though.

The Friday Present

2011-09-24T22:04:00.000+02:00

Playing with M's new toy. And yes, we need to paint the doors.

I wandered the steets of Göteborg for hours yesterday. It started with brekkie with Peter at 8 and then I did a tour of the shops before meeting up with Mariska for lunch. Since it was Friday I madly wanted to buy myself a Friday present but I could find anything. Well, that not entirely true. I bought a orange hair clip and a recycling tube for old lamps. It was nice day but I was slightly disappointed when I got home. M on the other hand was over the moon when he got home. He had just received his first Friday present ever. I think it might have been the Friday pressie of all presents. His bosses gave him a Nikon 300S. As one does. He's worked hard and I'm happy for him but still, gosh. How depressing for me.

The Letter

2011-09-22T23:27:00.002+02:00

Image from http://littleujewelbox.blogspot.com/

Image from
http://www.rockettstgeorge.co.uk/

I love bracelets. As in, I. Love. Bracelets. I'm not much for rings. Nor necklaces. But bracelets I overdose. More is more is my philosophy when it comes to this type of jewelry. I do big and small. Think and thin. Black and bright pink. It just hit me that the thiner they are the more they mean. Generally speaking. There are a couple, three I think, who break the rule.

My latest hick-up is the bracelet with a letter. V for me. Or even better M for love (but then only from M himself) . I've found two I really like one from the Swedish blogger Little U (who by the way makes adorable friendship bracelets). The other bracelet is from one of my favorite shops, Rockett St George. Quite possibly this week's Friday treat.

Orange Heat

2011-09-21T14:26:00.002+02:00

Image: www.burburry.com

As we all know I have a tendency of treating myself to presents before I've even got paid. M asked the other day if I would stop shopping if I never work. Well of course I wouldn't. I think it's important to treat yourself if you work hard. Admittedly, I don't exactly work hard but only because no one lets me.
Now, I'm wondering if it's madness to treat myself to a orange hot water bottle? In cashmere.

Morning!

2011-09-19T12:44:00.000+02:00

Yes, I'm fully aware that it's lunch time but I haven't had my breakfast yet. I'm in the middle of a deadline chaos and work late nights since my brain prefers to function when it's dark (and no, early winter mornings do not count). I had leftover popcorn as a morning snack. I'm wearing the same hoodie as yesterday and the day before that, and the day before, and the day before. When it comes to showers, I'm aiming to shower Thursday the latest making it a week since the last one. Yep, the charm of deadlines is that you tend to neglect yourself a bit. Go au naturel. But hey, bring on the happy (cheesy) music and let's get some work done.

The English Language

2011-09-18T22:56:00.002+02:00

++ Click to Enlarge Image ++

Image Source: Masters-in-Education

Today.

2011-09-16T12:11:00.000+02:00

Tastiest: Any food would do. Instead I'm stuck at home with no food and no card to go shopping.

Happening: M and I are looking forward to a working weekend since both he and I have things to finish.

Weather: Sunny and chilly.

Craving: While I've been away Göteborg has had storms and flooding and although the sun is out today I suspect it's going to be a rainy autumn. So top of my to-get list is a pair of Hunters. And no. I can't decide which ones to get.

Website: Get. It. Now. Then add me, victoriainp!

Book: More To Life Than Shoes.

Göteborg

2011-09-15T23:18:00.001+02:00

I just got home. Feeling more home sick than ever. The autumn weather in Sweden didn't make things much better. Yesterday though, yesterday was a lovely evening. Jo, Vincy and I had drinks at Odette-en-ville. I love that place. The colours and mood is just how I would want my place to be like. Dark, romantic and cosy. Sadly, I don't live on my own and have to compromise. A word of advice to those born in the 80s, try and find a partner from the same decade. The 70s didn't offer the greatest colours known to mankind.
I'm off to bed trying to figure out if I can somehow combine my two fab lives. Maybe I can go back and forth?

Liege

2011-09-13T22:03:00.000+02:00

On Friday M and I headed to Liége. A old forgotten city which I have no good memories of but never mind. We went there for one reason. Primark. The hunt for this store forced us to explore the city. A lot, and I mean a lot, of old churches, stairs and shoe stores would sum up the city pretty well. I was in Liége several years ago for a whole week but the school locked us up in a concrete building and only let us out for orientation in the forest. It was to say the least dreadful. One would, however, think that I would remember what a rollercoaster the city is. Up, down, up down, up, down and so on. Not the ultimate shopping city if you ask me.
Have walked up (and down) numerous stairs (not constructed for short people) M had enough of my nagging and demanded I asked for directions. My pride wasn't having it but I did find the tourist office and got hold of a map which had an ad for a whisky store on it. We decided to go there and hopefully we would find Primark on the way. M bought his whisky and we found a huge shopping mall. Without Primark. Next to it was McDonald's and we all know what that means. Free wifi.
I surfed and discovered Primark was not exactly in the city centre. So we got the car and headed towards the shopping mall Medicité. It was in the middle of a awful neighborhood judging by the fronts of the houses. The mall itself was brand new, very modern and huge. And of course Primark was in the other end of the building from the entry we chose. Super late for our family dinner we hurried through the store. I found a dress and M picked some socks and we got in line. When it was our turn I realized I had lost my card. M bought the dress and the ride home was quiet and a bit awkward. The day before I was late to pick up M. Early the same day I failed miserable when trying to park (which really is a speciality of mine). The card incident was just a bit too much after a long day in a ugly, weird, rollercoaster city. But hey, the ride home was beautiful.

Happy Insomnia

2011-09-12T03:26:00.001+02:00

I so high on happiness (and a bit of sugar) that I can't fall asleep. Yesterday, I had a little party to celebrate my birthday. I'm so grateful my friends came. Their time was the best present they could give me. I'm truly blessed to have such amazing friends.

29

2011-09-07T23:25:00.001+02:00

It's my birthday! For another thirty minutes at least!

All I really wanted for this birthday was time. More than twenty-four hours per day, time with my family and time with my friends. And breakfast with cake in bed. I got that. I got time with my parents. I got an iPad. On Saturday I'll get the friends.

So happy. And grateful.

Jo Day

2011-09-03T10:37:00.003+02:00

Good morning folks!
It's a lovely, sunny morning here in Brussels and I'm going to Antwerp with Jo for some shopping and lunch. It's going to be great. I'm wearing the hat M gave since I thought it was too expensive. Anyone who knows M knows that he's not much for exclusive things. Especially not hats. I think this one cost about €25 but since I bought a hat at Primark which cost about €2 this seemed a lot to me. I'm funny like that. I can easily buy a bag for €400 but I need to think about a H&M bag for €25 for at least a week. Small money big decisions. Strange eh?
Got to go. Catch you later alligators!

Girls and Dolly

2011-09-03T00:56:00.001+02:00

Today I've tried to do a bit of catching up since I'm terribly behind schedule. I also managed to fix a new SIM card, see my GP and say hi to Ebbs at her job. Then I head to Pizza Hut to get dinner for my babysitting girls' night. Now the girls are asleep and I could very well fall asleep any second. Thankfully BBC Four is keeping me awake with Dolly Parton: Live From London. I knew I should have seen her when she was in Sweden. She's amazing. In so many ways.

Well hello!

2011-09-01T17:32:00.002+02:00

After two stressful days and one long road trip I'm finally home. Happy, tired and ready to catch up with my friends. First, I need to get a new Belgian sim card. All the stress before I left meant I didn't have time for a proper search nor did I have time to fill in the hours I've worked this month which might mean I won't be celebrating Sep 25 in style.

Now

2011-08-28T11:56:00.000+02:00

This is not me trying to fish for sympathy. Because really, everything is fine. When I woke up this morning I just didn't want to get up. I couldn't see why or what for. I'm not depressed nor a sad just confused maybe. I don't think life is all it's made out to be. Daily life that is. You work, you do the dishes, the laundry, you walk walks, dance a bit, joke around and laugh, shop, eat but then what? It struck me the other day, should all days be magnificent? The best of all days.

As I said I'm fine. I'm stressed out though. Completely. I can fool most people including myself but my skin notices even the tiniest sign of stress. Then when I'm feeling pressured and stressed it protests loudly. So here I am trying to not think about anything. Trying to just be. But I'm a thinker, for good or bad.

First Prize

2011-08-23T00:32:00.001+02:00

So yesterday after the unsuccessful flea market M asked if I wanted to go to Marstrand. Seeing as it was nice weather and all that we went for a drive. Apart from the usual sailing competitions there was a 19th century theme weekend going on. People were dressed up and there was this old style market. One of the stalls sold raffle tickets which I of course couldn't resist. I picked one which I could barely rip of the raffle ring. I almost took another one. Good thing I didn't. I got 77 and won first prize. A basket full of goodies and too heavy to carry.

Saturday At The Flea Market

2011-08-22T00:20:00.000+02:00

Woke up surprisingly early (around 9) this morning and went for a walk with the dog. The sun has decided to return to this part of the country. Not that I'm complaining. Last week's monsoon rain wasn't exactly a enjoyable. Anyways, when we got back home we had breakfast and waited for M to get ready to leave for the flea market. He took forever to get ready so the dog and I went on our own. It's been ages since I went to any sort of market so I might have had too high expectations. It could also be that there was nothing to be found. I bought a stuffed animal for Wille but that was all. Although, I did see this amazing weapon of some sort but when M finally showed up he said it was never going to happen. It had something to do with it not fitting in our garden? So I left. With my dog's stuffed animal. Is it just me or am I getting more and more boring for each day that passes?

Signs of Ageeing

2011-08-19T01:02:00.002+02:00

I don't know if it got something to do with me getting older or if maybe it's because the only thing I do is to work and work and work. In whichever case, my dream vacation right now would be in the middle of nowhere. Preferably in countryside with no Internet access. A internetoholics rehab centre I guess. Don't get me wrong. I love my computer, the World Wide Web, Twitter, Facebook and all that but I also like not checking my mail every five minutes. I love the sound of absolutely nothing. I long for the feeling of not having to life a finger.
I might have found just the place. Odette. It's probably just as cosy as it's sister in Brussels but this side it's in one of the smallest villages in France. Beautiful rooms, Stunning scenery, historical buildings. Exactly what I need.